Transmorphers: The best bad-movie birthday movie ever

I recently had another birthday. I seem to have them every year around this time. These last few years, though, I've made something of tradition of the annual celebration. I rally up the friends and head over to the nearest Fuddrucker's. In my family, the kid celebrating the birthday got to choose where to have dinner. I remember several times asking for the Fudd, mostly because they have diced onions. I'm not sure why I love diced onions so much, but I do. Enough questions already. Since moving to Maryland I have gone to Fuddrucker's for my birthday at least 5 or 6 times. I'd say the tradition is getting pretty well entrenched.

Several years ago I added another layer to the festivities. After consuming the tasty meat sandwiches we head to the homestead to watch a bad movie. Bad, in the sense that it has to be something you would not normally choose to watch (not porn, or anything you'd have to talk to a priest / bishop about.) Here's a list of what I can remember watching so far:

2002 - Killer Klowns from Outer Space
2003 - Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
2004 - Night of the Lepus
2005 - Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story
2006 - No movie
2007 - No movie
2008 - Transmorphers

So this year, after Fuddrucker's we took the trip over to Blockbuster Video to pick out a movie. On the spot I decided to let the others in the party join in the fun of the movie selection. We made a game of it. Everyone had to choose the one movie they thought was the worst in the store. After 5 - 10 minutes we would meet up again and determine which movie was worthy of the honor.

I selected A Day Without a Mexican, and Fronterz. Since it was my birthday I felt I got to pick two. Peter picked Son of Kong. Tommy picked some kind of biker chick movie. Dave picked one of the Thomas the Train series. All rightful contenders... but when Carlos presented Transmorphers, we knew we had a winner.

I can honestly say this was the worst movie I have ever seen. Had I not had the peanut gallery to make comments in MST 3000 fashion, I would have shriveled away in despair. About 20 minutes into the movie the soundtrack messes up, so the dialog is 5-10 seconds off. Add in a society of lesbian commanders and missing special effects and you get more of an idea what kind of quality movie this is. Some of the special effects (i.e. the radar graphics) were like watching some games I used to play on the Atari 2600. Not only that, but most of the acting was worse than a porno made by high school drama drop-outs. Uhm, I mean what I hear the acting in a porno would be like. I'm telling you, this was bad.

Of course, I had to own it. Today I was at the mall taking back some pants that were too tight, and getting some film developed. (What is this the 1980's?) I wandered over to the FYE to see if there was anything worth buying. Having seen Ironman twice, I knew I was going to buy it. Luckily, the movie was marked down to $19.99, and came with a $7 rebate. Not bad. I then thought, "If I'm going to get one movie I might as well buy Transmorphers." I looked around the store to see if they had it, and wouldn't you know it, they did. Tucked away behind the orphaned stacks of Transformers were two copies of this abysmal cinematic event. One was new, for $12.99, and one was used for $5.99. I obviously opted for the used version. I'm almost positive it wasn't viewed more than once.

What I didn't know, until I got to the check out counter, is that if anyone bought a sci-fi movie with Ironman they also got $5 off that movie. YES! You read that right. I got Transmorphers for $0.99. If you count in the rebate I'm getting, they actually paid me $6 to take the movie from them. How cool is that? I'll post a picture of the receipt as soon as I can get one on here.


When I was checking out the guy told me he had watched it as well. He said, "You know it's going to be bad when it is written, directed, and edited by the same person."

So if you can spare 85 minutes of your life to throw away on a good laugh, go check out Transmorphers... but please, watch it with your wittiest friends. After you do, make sure to join the Facebook group called "The Few, The Proud, Those who have survived Transmorphers"